Sunday, 21 March 2010

Not feeling so good today

So my feelings of how wonderful the simple life are have disappeared, to be replaced by despair, envy and bitterness. None of these characteristics represent the person I want to be, and yet at the moment I feel held captive to my negative emotions and all I want to do is cry and feel how life is not fair. I think it could be the hormones mixed with tiredness but I can't seem to rationalise it at all. The thing which really upset me was volunteering to sing at a church event yesterday and baking cakes to accompany the soiree. Thing is, when I got there the place was massively busy with nowhere to sit AND cakes and drinks were being sold as a fundraiser. Now, I was happy to donate my time and culinary efforts to this event. It was a good cause. BUT, I had not a single penny in my purse, and three sweet toothed children by my side. I just couldn't take it and ended up leaving the children with a friend (who so kindly bought cakes for them) and going home and crying for an hour on the sofa. How pathetic?! I am such a sad case. I am trying to believe that things will improve, but it is hard to see at the moment. And I need to apologise to the choir leader for leaving her in the lurch, but I just can't bring myself to even broach the subject. Every time I think about it I just want to cry. I guess it's the hormones. Never mind, not long now.

Sunday, 14 March 2010

Treasure in Heaven

So, we are broke. Totally broke. Don't ask me why; it's a long story and I don't want pity so I shan't recount it. I just wanted to reflect on the situation, and draw some positives from it.

I used to work full time as a teacher. I had lots of disposable cash. My child wore clothes from Gap and Next and we had nice holidays and nice things. BUT, he spent his days with a childminder and was fairly miserable to say the least. I, meanwhile, was consumed by guilt. If I kept on working my child was suffering; if I gave up work it was a waste of everything I'd achieved in terms of my education and escape from council estate poverty. In the end work broke me and, pregnant with baby number two, I gave up my job and stayed home.

And here I am now, home educating three boys and having less money than I've ever had in my whole life. But, in between the bouts of horror about paying bills and eeking out our food budget, I am also happier than I've ever been before. It's quite freeing to live outside of our consumer society; to not have the option of shopping in mainstream outlets. It's incredibly freeing to have a menu plan for each week and know what I'm cooking each day. But most of all, I know that all the 'stuff' I could have if I were a working mom is just temporal garbage which would end up on a landfill site some time in the future. My children, on the other hand, have eternal souls which will live with God forever. This said, how much better to spend my time and effort in helping them to grow in education, character and faith, than spending my time and money in the local shopping centre. I really do believe that what Satan means for our downfall can be used by God for our ultimate good, just like in the Old Testament story of Joseph, and also according to Romans 8:28:

King James BibleAnd we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

I can honestly say that we've had some pretty awful times on the way to where we are now. Times I would have done anything to avoid if I'd had foreknowledge of them. I didn't want to be who I am now; I wanted to be the woman who had everything; a supermum; glamorous, capable, wealthy, envied by all. But God had other ideas, and boy am I grateful that he did. When I look back at who I was then I am pretty horrified. Don't get me wrong. I am sooooooooooooo not the person he ultimately wants me to be; I still have a considerable way to go,... but, I am trying to walk with him and be guided by him in my daily life. I am sure that there will be tough times ahead but I also know that God will use them to mould and shape me for his purpose, and that his overall plan for me is a good one.

Praise Him.

Jo x