Ray of Hope

Spring has felt like such a long time coming.  This winter has been a hard one for me emotionally.  It is only recently that our car was fixed so, for the most part, we have been immobile, squirreled away in our snug nest, awaiting the sun.  Hibernation sounds like a cosy idyll to begin with but when the incandescent glow of Christmas has faded, and there is not even the excitement of snow to break the monotonous bleakness, it begins to feel more like incarceration.  So we held on.  Held on to the rituals that guide us through the year: Epiphany, Candlemas, Valentines.... Held on to the hope of light and warmth and community.  Held on to Him who is present within every difficult, stir-crazy, ill-tempered moment and yet promises that this is not all, promises to make streams in the desert and a path through the wilderness.  And just when the dark and cold seemed most oppressive, just when I needed it most, ...the sun shone.  I am sure that there will be many more inclement days around the corner but for today I am thankful for a chance to wake up from my winter sleep, stretch out my arms and welcome the sun.  Similarly, even though I know that my long fought battle with depression is likely not over, I grasp the good days and thank God for his mercy.  

Storm Clouds Gathering or Getting Rid of Toxic Fear

I wonder if it's because I'm British.... The tendency to watch the horizon for signs of impending bad weather is something akin to my tendency to look towards the future with a sense of foreboding.  Both might be seen as British characteristics.  Everyone knows we're obsessed with the weather,.. and you'd have to admit we're not the most optimistic of races.  Don't get me wrong, I love being British; we are stalwart and resilient, having fought off our (then) enemies in two world wars.  Ask Granny if there's cake for tea, though, and even when it's practically bursting out of the Silver Jubilee biscuit tin on the top shelf in the pantry cupboard, she'll look dour and reply: ooh, I don't know about that then.  Maybe there's a connection between our lack of optimism and our lack of sunshine; it wouldn't surprise me.

Recently I've been worrying a lot.  Little things have escalated in my mind to become big things which have the potential to destroy all the brightness in my life.  There were some clouds.  Tiny ones actually.  To me they looked brooding and dangerous.  I started to panic, to make plans in my mind about how I would deal with such an intense storm in my life; I started to lose control.  In the end they turned out to be nothing more than a few wispy cirrus, floating overhead with not even a speck of rain to dampen my day.  I breathed a sigh of relief, thanked God and began to think....

Fear is toxic.  If you've seen Star Wars Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith you'll be familiar with Annakin Skywalker's seduction by the dark side.  If you're not familiar with the film you only need to know one thing about Annakin's demise as a Jedi Knight: it begins with fear.  He fears that he will lose his beloved wife, Padme, in childbirth.  This fear is so strong that it begins to control him and, furthermore, puts him at the mercy of those who would manipulate him for their own ends.  We all know what happens next; Padme dies anyway and Annakin loses himself to the dark side.  It's very much like the story of Othello by William Shakespeare.  Othello listens to the whispers of an enemy and he is rendered murderous with jealousy; death and destruction is his final end. 

Satan has a plan for our life.  It is the complete opposite of God's plan.  God has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11) whereas Satan is a thief who comes in the night to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10).  And how does he instigate this vile plan?  In 1 Peter 5:8 we are warned: 

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like 

a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. NIV

The devil has no real power over us if we belong to Jesus BUT he will prowl about us and roar like a lion.  And why does a lion roar?  To frighten his prey, who will either become immovable with that fear, or frenzied and confused.  Either way, they make a much easier object of prey.  Satan wants to make you fear; he wants to immobilise you or send you into a frenzied tailspin.  He has a plan for your destruction.  And his whispers,... those worries that haunt you in the middle of the night when rationality is sleeping; they are lies to entrap you.  

So what is the answer?  The answer is always faith and trust in our Lord, Jesus Christ.  It sounds trite.  Please don't switch off now; it isn't trite.  It isn't an easy answer or a fob off.  It's the truth.  The truth is that sometimes those dark and brooding storm clouds will pass over and sometimes they will send torrents hurtling down upon you when you least expect it.  Life is like that; but life is not about what happens to us,... it's about how we respond.  We can respond with fear, allowing Satan to have the upper hand, or we can respond with faith in God's promise that he will NEVER leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8 amongst others).  Scripture tells us not to fear over one hundred times and we need not fear because God is true to his promises and, even when it seems like life is falling apart, HIS plan for our good and HIS glory is being worked out.

When you see the storm clouds gathering what should you do?  Respond with faith; trust God and walk forward knowing that, whatever happens, He is with you.  It's not an easy thing to do; it will require stalwart resilience but it IS possible, for ALL things are possible in Him (Mark 9:23).

Love and prayers

Jo x

The Many Handed Serpent

http://amothersheart.blogspot.co.uk/

I read this post on my friend Sarah's blog and it really struck a chord.  I've been meaning to blog on 1 Corinthians 12:12-26  for quite some time now.  Some of you will know that, having previouusly been of a mind to leave our fertility to God, my husband and I have recently made the very difficult decision not to have any more children.  I've posted before http://joc4jesus.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/coming-out-of-darkness.html about my journey to and from the edge of despair.  I am sure I don't need to further explain how we came to make our decision.

Regardless of our circumstances, there are some who think we should carry on having children in the name of being obedient to God.  I beg to differ.  I don't believe that being obedient to God comes down to a single interpretation of scripture.  I believe that some women are called and convicted to make the very courageous step to become mothers of many blessings.  I admire them greatly.  I also KNOW that some women are scarred and broken, drug addicted and depressed, needy and dependent,... or maybe they are just single and childless.  Are those women any less in the eyes of God?  Are they less because motherhood is not for them, or because they can only physically or mentally cope with a smaller number of children.  I would say, most definitely, NO.  I have searched the heart of God on this issue so much recently.  And this is what he says to me:

1 Corinthians 12:12-26

¹² Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by^[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

We women are all different.  We are not all hands.  We should not promote feminity in one particular vein.  I am all for promoting motherhood and wifedom,... but I also think that we need to accept that some women will tread a different path.  And that is OK.  In fact it's more than OK; to be the person that God made you to be in all your fullness is marvellous,.. whether you are the mother of many, few or none.  BE the you God created you to be,... whoever that is.  A body with many hands would be a monstrous creature.  We need diversity,... and God needs YOU!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Enough

I keep the Jesus Storybook Bible on my pile of devotionals by my favourite armchair.  That way, if a small person comes along and wants to join in, I always have something to read them.  It's a brilliant book.  It looks at the whole Bible through the lens of the promise and fulfilment of the Messiah in the person of Jesus Christ.  That sounds a bit complicated and theological but actually, in the very simplest terms, it outlines God's plan for the salvation of humanity from day one.

Anyway, the other day I was reading Daily Light in my favourite armchair when Elijah came and took up residence on my lap.  I dutifully put down my devotional and picked up the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I flipped it open to a random page, which just happened to be the story of the loaves and the fishes.  It's a familiar story,... so familiar, in fact, that sometimes it's easy to gloss over it and fail to see the amazing truths it contains.  I mean, yes, it's one of the miracles of Jesus which help to validate his claims to be divine,  but it's also more than that.  It's about a young boy who chose to give what he had when, in all honesty, what he had was a mere drop in the ocean.  If it was me I'd have been tempted to ask what good my little bit could do and keep it to myself.  Isn't that what we do, oftentimes, when faced with situations of great need or injustice??  We think, well my contribution would be so small that it would be completely ineffective,... and so we make no contribution at all.

It reminds me of the story of a little boy walking along a shoreline where thousands of starfish had been beached.  As he walked he picked up single starfish and threw them back into the water.  He was challenged by a passing adult who asked him what he hoped to achieve in the face of such an enormous environmental disaster; he couldn't possibly make a difference.  The boy, calmly, picked up a starfish, threw it back in and said,... well I made a difference to that one.

The boy with the loaves and fishes surrendered himself to be used,... but more than that.  He had faith that in doing so he could make a difference.  God is the God of increase.  He can take our measly offerings and make them into something astounding and abundant for his purpose and glory.  It doesn't matter how much we have; if we give it with a faith filled heart, he will multiply it and use if for his kingdom.  

As a mother who has suffered from depression and constantly questioned her ability to raise Godly children, this story gives me great hope. If I surrender myself to this task he has given me;  if I mother to the best of my God -given ability; if I have faith to believe that my offering is acceptable to God....  It sounds like a spiritual gymnastics class but in reality I think it comes down to one thing: trust.  We entrust ourselves to God and we believe that he has a good plan for us.  It's not about us; it's about him.  And so I breathe a huge sigh of relief and leave you with the wonderful closing words of the tale of the loaves and fishes from The Jesus Storybook Bible.

But it was the most natural thing in all the world.  It's what God had been doing from the beginning, of course.  Taking the nothing and making it everything.  Taking the emptiness and filling it up.  Taking the darkness and making it light.

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation)
⁶ For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
⁷ We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

Coming Out of the Darkness

The last year has been hard.  Really hard.  After my month in hospital when Josiah was born it took a while to get my health back to full strength. However, the trauma of being institutionalised (albeit with excellent care) and, worse still, being separated from Phil and the children, was not quite so easy to put behind me.  It's hard to explain post natal depression to anyone.  You have a lovely baby, a lovely home, lovely family,... so much to be grateful for.   And yet, despite all this potential for great happiness there is, in the depths of your soul, a pervasive blackness which envelops every spark of joy that ought to be yours for the taking.  And that's really all there is to it.  No reason, no rhyme,... just hopelessness and despair.  So there I was.   Hiding my soul from the health visitor and striving to hold everything together for the sake of my family and this precious baby I had birthed.  And one year later here I am.  I don't know how I made it; how, when other people succumb so tragically to the siren of suicide, I managed to ignore her tantalising taunts and walk forward into the light.  I can only thank God and my husband for their grace and favour; for not abandoning me in my time of need.  So do I have any advice for others going through a similar situation?  Take one day at a time and if need be one moment at a time, accept help, take time for yourself, know your limits, be kind to yourself, and a hundred other things that escape me right now.  But know this: there is light and hope on the other side.  If it takes anti-depressants and a hospital stay to get there, so be it.  Whatever it takes, as Jim Morrison said,... break on through to the other side.

May God's light shine upon you
Jo x