Enough

For so much of my life I have felt that I was not enough.  I sincerely believed that my worth was measured in the currency of the world and that the scales showed me lacking.  One area of my self esteem which was fractured by doubt and insecurity was that of my appearance, most notably my weight.  I was always a rather overweight child and the butt of many a humorous jibe at school and with friends.  My family was not unkind to me about my weight but they talked about heredity and the 'fat gene' which plagued our kin as though a terrible fate had befallen me.  And so my destructive relationship with food began.

As a little girl I loved to bake with my grandmother.  She made the most awesome fruit cakes,... and melt in the mouth bread rolls which we would eat straight from the oven with melted butter.  I loved her so very dearly, a feeling which was beautifully requited. And in her love for me she wanted to give me every good thing, including Horse and Pony magazine, which she bought me every week from the newsagents, and an abundance of baked goods from her repertoire of farmhouse cooking. It was hardly surprising then, that I came to equate love with sitting in front of Grandma's fire, feasting on some delicious home-cooked treat whilst indulging my literary tastebuds to boot.

My love of food and the non-physical pursuits of reading and crafting (another wonderful inheritance from my grandma) meant that the 'puppy fat' of my childhood had become firmly established by the time I reached puberty.  I was a 'fatty'. At school I was subject to bullying and social exclusion.  I became depressed and developed a strong sense of loathing towards my body, and so it was that around this time I first induced myself to vomit after a meal.

I struggled with bulimia until I became a Christian at the age of 21.  It may seem unbelievable to some and was miraculous to me but my conversion to the faith saw a total healing of my relationship with food.  I seemed to be able to eat purely to satisfy hunger and then stop.  I was also on my feet a great deal in my job as a library assistant.  When I married at the age of 23 I was slim and healthy and glowing.  And once married, I didn't pile on weight like other wives had said I would.  It was a golden time for my self esteem.

The trouble came with babies.  There were five of them and with each pregnancy my weight ballooned.  Thankfully, the evil of bulimia had truly been slain and I never binged and purged again.  Instead of bulimia, however, I began a cycle of overeating and dieting, which gradually took over my life and contributed to the breakdown of my self confidence.

As a Christian I was well aware that my physical appearance was not important to God.  That God sees the heart and not the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7).  Despite this I became trapped in a cycle that, since I was fat, I was ugly and worthless and must therefore eat to medicate my pain. Sometimes the cycle was punctuated by long periods of weightloss, when I signed up to Weightwatchers or Slimming World.  The loss was often shortlived, however, as I would become frustrated by the restriction of foods I liked to eat and indulge in increasing numbers of cheat days where I would totally blow out.

Hope came via Trim and Healthy Mama, a programme which had few restrictions but separated meals including fats from those with carbs.  It seemed to suit me very well and I lost six stone over eighteen months but eventually I began to struggle with eating some of the foods from the plan and developed intolerances where there had been none before.

So here I am.  A failed dieter.  And today I want to publicly say ENOUGH.  Enough with the food restrictions. Enough with value based on my appearance. Enough with the lie that I am not enough.

The Bible is clear about where beauty comes from; it comes from within.  It is also clear about stewardship of the good gifts God has given us; we are to take good care of them.  And it is very clear about our value; we are each one made in his image and precious to him.  So my mandate today is to treat my body with care and respect, to use it for his purposes and glory and to be thankful every day for the strong and able physique he has given me.  This body has experienced beautiful union with one who has loved it through fat and thin.  This body has carried and birthed five wonderful children. This body stands in worship and bends in prayer.  It scooters up and down the drive with a demanding three year old.  It carries our laundry mountain up and down the stairs each week.  This body is amazing. I will no longer allow enmity between us.  

I remember today Kara Tippetts, whose body now is failing her as she loses her battle with cancer.  I am inspired by her to be thankful for the health of my body, regardless of the number on the scale or my dress size.  More than that, I am inspired by her beauty.  The beauty of her courage and the grace of the Lord which shines through her, despite her cancer ravaged frame.  Another such woman who inspires me is Lizzie Velasquez.  Once known as the ugliest woman in the world because of her physiological inability to gain weight, Lizzie has used her high profile suffering to challenge stereotypes of beauty and identity. These women are the examples we should look to when we consider how to present ourselves, not the notions of beauty toted by the prevailing culture.  

From a Christian point of view, this message ought to be indisputable. Sadly, however, there are still too many Christians who believe that we should succumb to the world's model of airbrushed perfection in order to keep our husband's eyes from straying.  This is not our remit at all.  There are many ways in which we are urged to relate to our husbands, but this is not one of them.  Further, to my mind, it does rather assume men to be shallow, fickle and without self control; hardly assumptions to bring out the best in our menfolk.  

What now?  Am I just going to become overweight, unhealthy and unkempt in my appearance?  I don't know.  I hope not.  I am trying to listen to my body.  Eating what I fancy when I fancy it. Eating to satisfy hunger and then stopping.  I believe that not having restrictions will remove the temptation to binge and therefore help to regulate my eating in a way which is sustainable.  I have to admit that I am afraid.  I have enjoyed the compliments that my slimmer figure has brought me.  I am afraid of rejection and mockery should I initially put on weight.  I believe, however, that this is part of the process of my liberation from the fear of others' opinions and from my attachment to the shallow caprices of the world; part of the development of my inner beauty.  I believe that it is a God thing.  And God has plans to prosper me, and not to bring me harm, to give me a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)

And that's enough of me then. 

Goodnight

Jo xxx

1 Peter 3:3-4 

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.

Ray of Hope

Spring has felt like such a long time coming.  This winter has been a hard one for me emotionally.  It is only recently that our car was fixed so, for the most part, we have been immobile, squirreled away in our snug nest, awaiting the sun.  Hibernation sounds like a cosy idyll to begin with but when the incandescent glow of Christmas has faded, and there is not even the excitement of snow to break the monotonous bleakness, it begins to feel more like incarceration.  So we held on.  Held on to the rituals that guide us through the year: Epiphany, Candlemas, Valentines.... Held on to the hope of light and warmth and community.  Held on to Him who is present within every difficult, stir-crazy, ill-tempered moment and yet promises that this is not all, promises to make streams in the desert and a path through the wilderness.  And just when the dark and cold seemed most oppressive, just when I needed it most, ...the sun shone.  I am sure that there will be many more inclement days around the corner but for today I am thankful for a chance to wake up from my winter sleep, stretch out my arms and welcome the sun.  Similarly, even though I know that my long fought battle with depression is likely not over, I grasp the good days and thank God for his mercy.  

Ticking boxes

My husband is a list maker of old.  I am always finding bits of old cereal box with lists written on the back; lists of outstanding DIY; shopping lists; to do lists for his job.  He is a list maniac and always has been since I've known him.  For me though, lists are a new-ish entity.  I don't ever remember lists being made at home, and so I grew up without that most necessary of inventions.  However, thanks to the wonders of technology I have now adopted the list as my own; there are so many fabulous organisational sites out there with pretty printables that are just begging to be adorned with a list, how could I not become a list maker?

I think you'll agree that the best thing about lists is ticking them off.  It's a tangible sign of achievement and progression.  It makes you feel great to see how far you've come.  And when the last item on your list is checked,... what a feeling?!  Lists are the stuff of addiction, I'm sure, because nothing gives as great a rush as the knowledge that you have done what you set out to do.  Staring at a completed list is like eating Green & Blacks 70% cocoa dark chocolate; it just makes me want more.  More achievement, more self worth, more self justification for my existence.  And that's just the chores list.

So if the chores list gets me this excited, what happens when I turn faith into a checklist?  It's absolutely awesome; the progress I can make is astounding.

















(And just in case you think I am speaking only of conservatives, the charismatic church could equally have a list which includes speaking in tongues and watching the 'right' programmes on God TV.  Liberals could create their list with the right theology books and missional experiences.  None of these things are bad in     themselves; it is when we start to put faith in these things for our righteousness and salvation that there becomes a problem.)

Actually, in reality, this isn't progress at all.  It's merely ticking boxes.  And it leads to a false sense of our own righteousness without any reference to the saving grace of Christ.  We cannot become righteous through our own works.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--
Ephesians 2:8 NIV

I have fallen into this trap very recently.  I have succumbed to checklist Christianity.  I wanted so much to make progress from the broken and inadequate vessel that I believed myself to be, so I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and become the kind of Christian I aspired to be.  I bought long denim skirts because that was what those ladies who I longed to be like, longed to fit in with, wore.  I read the 'right' kind of books, I changed my theology to become more Biblically correct.  I knew I was saved by God but I longed to be more righteous and fruitful, and instead of resting in the vine for that fruit I tried to cultivate it for myself. I am reminded of this scripture:

My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the Fountain of living waters, and they have hewn for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns which cannot hold water. Jeremiah 2:13

If we forsake God in favour of an easy to achieve checklist we are wronging both Him and ourselves.  We rob ourselves of the intimate personal relationship that we might have with the Father if we were attached to the vine, and we rob God by refusing to put our faith in the saving work of His Son on the cross.  We are told in Philippians 2:12 to work out our salvation with fear and trembling and I believe fully in this exhortation.  We should not be sloppy about our faith; it should be the most important part of our lives and radiate from everything that we do.  We should, however, remember that we are all individuals and the working out may look different for each of us.  The King James Bible refers to working out our 'own' salvation.  Christianity is truly about a personal relationship with a personal saviour.  So no more check boxes,... not for me anyway.  Be who you are; uniquely and wonderfully you.  No-one else can have the relationship with God that you have because no-one else is like you: don't rob Him of the joy of your friendship by trying to emulate somebody else's version of what a Christian is like.  Be a true friend by revealing your true self to Him and allowing his love to change and mould you into your best self.

Who am I that You are mindful of me 
That You hear me when I call 
Is it true that You are thinking of me 
How You love me it's amazing 

(Chorus) 
I am a friend of God 
I am a friend of God 
I am a friend of God 
He calls me friend 

God Almighty, Lord of Glory 
You have called me friend 

(Repeat Chorus) 

He calls me friend 
He calls me friend...

Israel Houghton

The Many Handed Serpent

http://amothersheart.blogspot.co.uk/

I read this post on my friend Sarah's blog and it really struck a chord.  I've been meaning to blog on 1 Corinthians 12:12-26  for quite some time now.  Some of you will know that, having previouusly been of a mind to leave our fertility to God, my husband and I have recently made the very difficult decision not to have any more children.  I've posted before http://joc4jesus.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/coming-out-of-darkness.html about my journey to and from the edge of despair.  I am sure I don't need to further explain how we came to make our decision.

Regardless of our circumstances, there are some who think we should carry on having children in the name of being obedient to God.  I beg to differ.  I don't believe that being obedient to God comes down to a single interpretation of scripture.  I believe that some women are called and convicted to make the very courageous step to become mothers of many blessings.  I admire them greatly.  I also KNOW that some women are scarred and broken, drug addicted and depressed, needy and dependent,... or maybe they are just single and childless.  Are those women any less in the eyes of God?  Are they less because motherhood is not for them, or because they can only physically or mentally cope with a smaller number of children.  I would say, most definitely, NO.  I have searched the heart of God on this issue so much recently.  And this is what he says to me:

1 Corinthians 12:12-26

¹² Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. ¹³ For we were all baptized by^[c] one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. ¹⁴ Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

¹⁵ Now if the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁶ And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason stop being part of the body. ¹⁷ If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸ But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹ If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰ As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

²¹ The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” ²² On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable,²³ and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, ²⁴ while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, ²⁵ so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. ²⁶ If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

²⁷ Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

We women are all different.  We are not all hands.  We should not promote feminity in one particular vein.  I am all for promoting motherhood and wifedom,... but I also think that we need to accept that some women will tread a different path.  And that is OK.  In fact it's more than OK; to be the person that God made you to be in all your fullness is marvellous,.. whether you are the mother of many, few or none.  BE the you God created you to be,... whoever that is.  A body with many hands would be a monstrous creature.  We need diversity,... and God needs YOU!!!

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Enough

I keep the Jesus Storybook Bible on my pile of devotionals by my favourite armchair.  That way, if a small person comes along and wants to join in, I always have something to read them.  It's a brilliant book.  It looks at the whole Bible through the lens of the promise and fulfilment of the Messiah in the person of Jesus Christ.  That sounds a bit complicated and theological but actually, in the very simplest terms, it outlines God's plan for the salvation of humanity from day one.

Anyway, the other day I was reading Daily Light in my favourite armchair when Elijah came and took up residence on my lap.  I dutifully put down my devotional and picked up the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I flipped it open to a random page, which just happened to be the story of the loaves and the fishes.  It's a familiar story,... so familiar, in fact, that sometimes it's easy to gloss over it and fail to see the amazing truths it contains.  I mean, yes, it's one of the miracles of Jesus which help to validate his claims to be divine,  but it's also more than that.  It's about a young boy who chose to give what he had when, in all honesty, what he had was a mere drop in the ocean.  If it was me I'd have been tempted to ask what good my little bit could do and keep it to myself.  Isn't that what we do, oftentimes, when faced with situations of great need or injustice??  We think, well my contribution would be so small that it would be completely ineffective,... and so we make no contribution at all.

It reminds me of the story of a little boy walking along a shoreline where thousands of starfish had been beached.  As he walked he picked up single starfish and threw them back into the water.  He was challenged by a passing adult who asked him what he hoped to achieve in the face of such an enormous environmental disaster; he couldn't possibly make a difference.  The boy, calmly, picked up a starfish, threw it back in and said,... well I made a difference to that one.

The boy with the loaves and fishes surrendered himself to be used,... but more than that.  He had faith that in doing so he could make a difference.  God is the God of increase.  He can take our measly offerings and make them into something astounding and abundant for his purpose and glory.  It doesn't matter how much we have; if we give it with a faith filled heart, he will multiply it and use if for his kingdom.  

As a mother who has suffered from depression and constantly questioned her ability to raise Godly children, this story gives me great hope. If I surrender myself to this task he has given me;  if I mother to the best of my God -given ability; if I have faith to believe that my offering is acceptable to God....  It sounds like a spiritual gymnastics class but in reality I think it comes down to one thing: trust.  We entrust ourselves to God and we believe that he has a good plan for us.  It's not about us; it's about him.  And so I breathe a huge sigh of relief and leave you with the wonderful closing words of the tale of the loaves and fishes from The Jesus Storybook Bible.

But it was the most natural thing in all the world.  It's what God had been doing from the beginning, of course.  Taking the nothing and making it everything.  Taking the emptiness and filling it up.  Taking the darkness and making it light.

2 Corinthians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation)
⁶ For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
⁷ We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

Coming Out of the Darkness

The last year has been hard.  Really hard.  After my month in hospital when Josiah was born it took a while to get my health back to full strength. However, the trauma of being institutionalised (albeit with excellent care) and, worse still, being separated from Phil and the children, was not quite so easy to put behind me.  It's hard to explain post natal depression to anyone.  You have a lovely baby, a lovely home, lovely family,... so much to be grateful for.   And yet, despite all this potential for great happiness there is, in the depths of your soul, a pervasive blackness which envelops every spark of joy that ought to be yours for the taking.  And that's really all there is to it.  No reason, no rhyme,... just hopelessness and despair.  So there I was.   Hiding my soul from the health visitor and striving to hold everything together for the sake of my family and this precious baby I had birthed.  And one year later here I am.  I don't know how I made it; how, when other people succumb so tragically to the siren of suicide, I managed to ignore her tantalising taunts and walk forward into the light.  I can only thank God and my husband for their grace and favour; for not abandoning me in my time of need.  So do I have any advice for others going through a similar situation?  Take one day at a time and if need be one moment at a time, accept help, take time for yourself, know your limits, be kind to yourself, and a hundred other things that escape me right now.  But know this: there is light and hope on the other side.  If it takes anti-depressants and a hospital stay to get there, so be it.  Whatever it takes, as Jim Morrison said,... break on through to the other side.

May God's light shine upon you
Jo x